Looking Back -6 Years Later (my first week at Apple)

6 years ago this week, I took a job at Apple Computer - working in Austin.  I thought it would be my dream job, but it was a nightmare. 


Here is an excerpt from my journal… written during my first week at Apple. (the first few weeks were spent in training.)

The noise made by Virgina  (Yes, purposely spelled that way) Lopez every 30 seconds was unbearable.  Her large nose created a vacuum effect within her mucus membrane, causing her to suck more air than any of the other “temporary assignment workers” stationed at Apple.  To make matters worse, it was allergy season.  Had it been just the sniffles or a common cold, I could handle it.  However, this was a seasonal problem that never ended as Austin, Texas weather seems to only know Spring and Summer.

I am trapped in a training conference room.  I can’t stop staring at the letters D and S on my keyboard.  I am trying to think of how many people have sat in this very classroom.  How many TAW’s (the coded designation for us “contract workers”) have been trained here with the hope of one day being badged into the Apple Culture?   Being badged is the official promotion of going from a contractual and low paying agreement to being respected enough to finally be allowed to use the corporate workout facility.  How humiliating that one of the distinctions between an official employee and someone who is contracted to work here is based on your eligibility to exercise.   Doesn’t this say something about the state of our country when the new class divide is based on working out?    Every time I walk down the hall and see a fat man, I try to give him a special TAW nod.  My nod is more of a scrunched up face of disgust or a shocked gasp of air.  Indignation!  In that casual bathroom break when I see my fat brethren I can only hope that he realizes how we must stay together in our fight.  That much like the Nazi’s forcing Jews to wear yellow identification ribbons  during World War II, the fattest people of Apple were clearly those who were contractual laborers.   My overly sensitive imagination began to wonder what went on in the corporate gym, located in the breezeway of buildings 2 and 3.    I could picture Tom P, a loyal Apple employee for over 3 years talking to Tom G from Accounting who had been with Apple for 5 astounding years.   Tom A would say, “Look at those fat, slobbish contractual workers.  TEMPS!” Tom P would feel a twinge of guilt and say, “Yeah, fucking fat asssss-s-s-s-s-s” with a stutter at the end… a trademark of Tom P’s guilt.   Secretly he would think, “Was I so different when I started out as a TAW here… My God how five years can just…fly by.”  Then looking in the mirror as he flexes during a bicep curl, he remembers his once rusty brown hair that is now going grey.  The class divide between those allowed to use the workout facility and those not was hardly an issue to anyone.  I seem to be the only one that is outraged that there was any differentiation between the elite working out and working for a generous wage and the peon contractual workers wearing baggy clothes to cover our soft spots and earning enough to pay for a Honda.  Yet, we all had passed through this training room.  Those D and S keys gummed up by a substance that resembled caramel, but could easily have been Tom P’s saliva or snot released during a stuttering fit.  Then again, the big nosed Latina could have caused it when I wasn’t looking.   I stared at the encrusted letters, hoping I would never have to enter an order that used D or S in it.    You can imagine my disgust when Cindy, the denim loving trainer revealed that a whole product line began with the letter D and ended with a /S.   My eyes were fixated on those letters and my rage grew as Virgina snorted.  It took every amount of restraint to not scream, “You did this!”   Violence would ensue, but not because I am a loose cannon or a misogynist.   Rather… dear reader…You can not even begin to understand the noises she made when she would snort.  There is no level of patience that can be exercised in situations like these.   There was a reason Virginia wasn’t married and it was because no man in his right mind could handle someone who was that allergic to life.   The last straw for me was that in addition to her proclivity for all things nasal, Virginia Lopez was as stupid as she was unknowingly annoying.   Which is why when she would talk, which was seemingly nonstop, I would check my ears to see if blood was coming out of them.   On my way home on my third day of work, as I walked down the breezeway and saw the two Tom’s working out in the elitist company workout facility, I wondered,  “What had happened to my sanity?”



Computers are actually pretty simple. We’re sitting here on a bench in this cafe [for this part of the Interview]. Let’s assume that you understood only the most rudimentary of directions and you asked how to find the rest room. I would have to describe it to you in very specific and precise instructions. I might say, “Scoot sideways two meters off the bench. Stand erect. Lift left foot. Bend left knee until it is horizontal. Extend left foot and shift weight 300 centimeters forward …” and on and on. If you could interpret all those instructions 100 times faster than any other person in this cafe, you would appear to be a magician: You could run over and grab a milk shake and bring it back and set it on the table and snap your fingers, and I’d think you made the milk shake appear, because it was so fast relative to my perception. That’s exactly what a computer does. It takes these very, very simple-minded instructions—”Go fetch a number, add it to this number, put the result there, perceive if it’s greater than this other number”—but executes them at a rate of, let’s say, 1,000,000 per second. At 1,000,000 per second, the results appear to be magic. That’s a simple explanation, and the point is that people really don’t have to understand how computers work. Most people have no concept of how an automatic transmission works, yet they know how to drive a car. You don’t have to study physics to understand the laws of motion to drive a car. You don’t have to understand any of this stuff to use Macintosh—but you asked [laughs]. -Steve Jobs

Talkin' Bout A Revolution
Tracy Chapman
Tracy Chapman
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Talking About A Revolution!   

I am enjoying the Occupy movement.   I see it as very different than the Tea Party movement, which seemed exclusive and delusional.  (Something about making up facts and figures and revisionist History doesn’t sit well with me.)   However, looking at our system, our structure, our rules and how it affects people is VERY real for me.   And for so many of us to not stand up to a minority of wealthy corporations and individuals who have created this mess on our hard working backs seems just as criminal to me.   We don’t all have to rush out and physically join the protest, (at least not today)… but it’s time to start having this discussion and support those who have started this movement…and ask ourselves how can we help.   And if you don’t want to help?  If you are not part of the 1 %… at least help us understand why you side with their policies and intentions which have contributed to a painful America to thrive, let alone survive in.

OCCUPY!  


Lonely Lonely
The Belle Brigade
The Belle Brigade
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The Belle Brigade - Lonely, Lonely 

Hey, if you are going to be lonely in love…you might as well have a power pop song to go along with it.  It reminds me of a song if ELO + Abba used the Scissor Sisters as a Surrogate….and made a beautiful power pop baby.

Thoughts? 

Lyrics: 


More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/lonely_lonely_lyrics_belle_brigade_the.html


Happiness.  There are times when my heart is so happy I feel like I coming apart at the seams.

Happiness. There are times when my heart is so happy I feel like I coming apart at the seams.


Matthew Wilder - Break My Stride
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Song of the Day — “Break My Stride” - Matthew Wilder.

I was happily influenced to put this song as my Song of the Day.  Good old Mike McBride… wrote some lyrics from this song and posted them on my Facebook update about my knee not needing surgery.  I have such a strange friendship with Mike… he is someone I feel should be my best friend, but instead we just seem like awkward “really good” friends…  anyway, he is good for some random hilarious insights just at the right time.

and so — tomorrow is September… and I am going to start off the month with a very positive attitude… now that i know my knee is not structurally damaged…that the pain is because of a deep bone bruise… I am ready to adopt the mantra of the lyrics….

Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride
Nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh-no
I got to keep on moving
Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride
I’m running and I won’t touch ground
Oh-no, I got to keep on moving

and so… I won’t let anything break my stride moving forward… I am going to be happier and healthier than ever… or die trying. :)

Here are the lyrics…. in full

Last night I had the strangest dream
I sailed away to China
In a little row boat to find ya
And you said you had to get your laundry cleaned
Didn’t want no-one to hold you
What does that mean
And you said

Ain’t nothin’ gonna to break my stride
Nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh-no
I got to keep on movin’
Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride
I’m running and I won’t touch ground
Oh-no, I got to keep on movin’

You’re on a roll and now you pray it lasts
The road behind was rocky
But now you’re feeling cocky
You look at me and you see your past
Is that the reason why you’re runnin’ so fast
And she said

Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride
Nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh-no
I got to keep on moving
Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride
I’m running and I won’t touch ground
Oh-no, I got to keep on moving

Never let another girl like you, work me over
Never let another girl like you, drag me under
If I meet another girl like you, I will tell her
Never want another girl like you, have to say
Ooooooh
Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride
Nobody’s gonna slow me down
Oh-no, oh-no, I got to keep on moving
Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride
I’m running and I won’t touch the ground
Oh-no, I got to keep on movin’

Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride
Nobody’s gonna slow me down
Oh-no, oh-no, I got to keep on moving
Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride
I’m running and I won’t touch the ground
Oh-no, I got to keep on movin’

Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride
Nobody’s gonna slow me down
Oh-no, I got to keep on moving
Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride
I’m running and I won’t touch the ground
Oh-no, I got to keep on movin’

Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride
Nobody’s gonna slow me down
Oh-no, oh-no, I got to keep on moving


Wah-Wah
George Harrison
All Things Must Pass (30th Anniversary Edition) [Remastered]
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Song of the Day - “Wah Wah” - George Harrison.

Wah, Wah — it’s the sound of crying… or more commonly associated with being a baby.  On the Howard Stern show… Artie Lang used to scream, “WAHHHHHH” to anyone who called in with a hard-luck story…or if Robin was reading the news about a tragic story.  I think his intention was to say, “we’ve all got it rough…and at any time we could all cry Wahhhh!”

What is it about crying in public that is so off putting?  Not just the act of crying… but the idea of showing weakness, struggle, fragility?  Why are people so uncomfortable with others knowing they are hurting?   I know this stems from some primal ideal in our brain… Our Human brains can’t help but see weakness as disease and want to disassociate from it. 

I have always worn my heart out on my sleeve.  This annoyed my Father when I was growing up.   He would beg me not to share so much…but that notion always seemed to be “inauthentic” to me —I can’t imagine living a life where I wasn’t myself… what I mean is — I can’t imagine not being exactly who I am — and living that way.  If people don’t like me — or don’t get me — they don’t have to be my friend or interact.   But - what is the benefit to putting up a front?  What’s the benefit to acting like you have your shit together?   None of us have our shit together… it’s impossible to… you live life and you do the best you can — and each day you should try to be a little bit smarter, wiser, stronger than the next… always trying to grow in the name of awareness! 

so…why “Wah Wah” ? ——

The answer is in the lyrics…

I am missing someone… and so instead of saying her name… I will call her Wah Wah.  In fact… I will wrap up the whole relationship into the idea of “Wah Wah” — which is what I am feeling about missing her… the end of the relationship… the process of losing someone you love and care about out of your daily life — it all feels like “WAH WAH!”  

and so…read the lyrics —- and if you are anything like me…. you know that healing is not an easy process.   It’s ugly — and even if you take the high ground…or try to do what is right (Versus what would feel better or seem easier)… you might hurt a little….you might get dirty in the process… and you might just awkwardly wear your heart on your sleeve.   But what is the alternative?   Quietly aching inside?   Talking to close friends… nonstop?  I have worn out their eardrums - I assure you.   I think when you lament publicly - you have a chance to share your experience and frustration…so that others know they aren’t alone and so others can learn from your experience.  

and so here it is Universe… I am frustrated… sad… confused… and putting it all out there — and I am feeling very WAH WAH….


Wah-wah
You’ve given me a wah-wah
And I’m thinking of you
And all the things that we used to do
Wah-wah, wah-wah

Wah-wah
You made me such a big star
Being there at the right time
Cheaper than a dime
Wah-wah, you’ve given me your wah-wah, wah-wah

Oh, you don’t see me crying
Oh, you don’t hear me sighing

Wah-wah
I don’t need no wah-wah
And I know how sweet life can be
If I keep myself free from the wah-wah
I don’t need no wah-wah

Oh, you don’t see me crying
Hey baby, you don’t hear me sighing
Oh, no no-no no

Wah-wah
Now I don’t need no wah-wah’s
And I know how sweet life can be
If I keep myself free - of wah-wah
I don’t need no wah-wah

Wah-wah (repeat and fade)



I Don't Understand Anything
Everything But The Girl
Amplified Heart
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Song of the Day - “I Don’t Understand Anything” — Everything but the Girl

I am hurting today.  It’s not just the knee…the leg…the injury.  It’s a broken heart that refuses to heal - and seems to get worse with time.  I thought time healed.   I just don’t understand how or why it all ended… and for me -that’s the hardest thing in the world.  It seems to be a repeating meme in my life… a paradigm I would do anything to break out of…. 

and so — to cope… my soul is screaming this song.   I can’t believe how sad I feel.   It’s been a long time to hurt like this… and it makes me think I am really strong… because I have made it so far, but I don’t want to be strong… I just want love.

Here are the lyrics my soul is screaming…..

I Don’t Understand Anything….

What is it that I think I need?
Is there love in me that wants to be freed?
Or is it selfishness and ego
We carry with us everywhere that we go?

This feeling that life’s incomplete
- do you feel that too?
Do you want what I want?

And if I should start to cry,
And I can’t begin to tell you why,
And I stumble when I begin,
It’s cause I don’t understand anything.

People say that we’re so close,
How can there be something that I don’t know.
Oh but even though I share your bed,
Baby, I don’t get inside your head.

This feeling of some mystery
- do you feel that too?
Do you know what I mean?

And if I should start to cry,
And I can’t begin to tell you why,
And I stumble when I begin,
It’s cause I don’t understand anything.

Watch me stumble, watch me trip
My fingers loose their grip.
Now I’m down on my knees,
Is that what you wanted to see?

What is it that I think I need?
What is it that I think I need?

And if I should start to cry,
And I can’t begin to tell you why,
And I stumble when I begin,
It’s cause I don’t understand anything.

You reach for me from miles away,
You reach for me from miles away.


I'll Be You
The Replacements
Don't You Know Who I Think I Was? - The Best of the Replacements
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Song of the Day- “I’ll Be You” — The Replacements.

I am sure I heard this song when it first came out, but I didn’t really “get it” until I was in 9th grade…

I needed this song today.   BAM.  There it is.  and so now I am sharing it with you.   :)


If it’s a temporary lull
why’m I bored right outta my skull?
Man, I’m dressin’ sharp an’ feelin’ dull

Lonely, I guess that’s where I’m from
If I was from Canada
then I’d best be called lonesome
[BTW, I read in an interview that Paul was struck with how some people in
Canada used the word “lonesome” instead of “lonely,” hence this lyric.]

And if it’s just a game
Then I’ll break down just in case
Oh yeah, we’re runnin’ in our last race

Well, I laughed half the way to Tokyo
I dreamt I was Surfer Joe
An’ what that means, I don’t know

A dream too tired to come true
Left a rebel without a clue
And I’m searching for somethin’ to do

And if it’s just a game
Then we’ll hold hands just the same
So what, we’re bleeding but we ain’t cut

And I could purge my soul perhaps
For the imminent collapse
Oh yeah, I’ll tell you what we could do
You be me for a while
I’ll be you

A dream too tired to come true
Left a rebel without a clue
Won’t you tell me what I should do?

And if it’s just a lull
why’m I bored right outta my skull?
Oh yeah, keep me from feeling so dull

And if it’s just a game
Then we’ll break down just in case
Then again, I’ll tell you what we could do
You be me for a while
You be me for a while
and I’ll be you